I have a bone to pick with you.

[scarylullabiez]

Dear Criminal Minds Fandom,

How dare you call yourselves a fandom? You don't have any hooker AU's. Without hooker AU's, you are not a real fandom. I'm sure that's written down somewhere, and even if it isn't - for fuck's sake. Your show has a character with child molestation as part of his canonical background. And the actor who plays that character has let photographers do some pretty interesting things to him.* I can't believe you haven't run with that. I'm very, very disappointed in you.

You people are on your own, btw. I am not going to write your hooker AU's for you.**


                         Righteously Disgusted Perverted,
                                   scary-lullabies



*Seriously, that last one? If he were my son, and he tried to leave the house like that, we would have words.

**I sketched out most of the plot on my break today, and I hope to have finished agonizing over the first part within two weeks.

Comments

[grimmus.livejournal.com]

What's an "AU"?

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

Stands for "alternate universe." Take all the characters from whatever source material, and put them into whatever cheesy porntastic story you'd like. :)

Although I don't know where it's from, I find your icon quite amusing.

[grimmus.livejournal.com]

Ah, I see. I had to ask because there was the possibility that "AU" would warrant a possessive apostrophe.

The penguin is a Prinny from the Disgaea series of strategy role-playing games. They attack with knives and bombs and, much to my amusement, can be used as explosives themselves when thrown at an enemy. They also say "dood" a lot, and by "a lot" I mean they pretty much punctuate everything they say with the word.

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

Plurals of abbreviations get them, right? Or have I been living a lie all this time?

Heee! Sounds awesome. XD

[ever-obsessed.livejournal.com]

ASDFGHJKL, all I find is hooker!Reid fic. Which, okay, fine, but I've always wanted hooker!Morgan fic.

Because, like, WE ALREADY KNOW ALL THE HOOKERS LOVE REID!

Also? What does it mean about just how obsessively I look for icons that I saw yours and was instantly all, GODDAMMIT, I WILL HAZ IT, MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, RIGHT CLICK + SAVE, DAMMIT!

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

There's hooker!Reid fic?! WHERE!?! I looked everywhere, I swear to you - I googled, I ljseeked, I looked through every possible tag on every comm, and I found not one single bit of hooker!anybody. I can see how hooker!Reid is easier to resolve, plotwise. My outline for the epic hooker fic that I am not writing still says "??? PROFIT!" at the end. (Omg, you are going to love it, though. I'm not going to go into details, because outlining my whole plot to people tends to make me lose my urgency to actually write, and then it will never get written, but! It will be awesome. There will be both past and current hooker!Morgan/Reid. Garcia will try to give poor abused Morgan some soup. It's gonna be amazing.)

Pfft! I do that all the time. It means that we are two well-balanced and psychologically healthy individuals. Obviously.

[ever-obsessed.livejournal.com]

The Internets were trying to protect you.

THEY WERE REALLY. NOT GOOD, MM-KAY?

NOT. GOOD.

*tries to finish 'seventeen things about morgan and reid's sex life' and is too frustrated that the fucker is still not done*

NO, REALLY, BB.

THEY WERE NOT GOOD, MM-KAY?

But you know what would be good?

Hooker!Morgan, mm-kay, that would be good, THAT WOULD BE DAMN GOOD, I'M JUST SAYING, THINKING OUT LOUD, YOU KNOW, MM-KAY?

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. Oh deary dear. Was it bad even for hooker fic? Hooker fic is never really supposed to win literary awards...

I HAVE THE FIRST PART OF THE HOOKER!MORGAN DONE, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO PLEASED WITH MYSELF BECAUSE IT'S THE SIMPLEST, EASIEST PART. MORE LIKE A PROLOGUE.

Also I don't know anyone in this fandom, do you know any good beta readers?

[c-dub-yah.livejournal.com]

!!! The second one looks like he's showing off the goods to a potential John, amirite?! (Who should be Hotchner. HOTCHNER I SAY. :P)

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

Omg, INORITE!! GAH. I JUST. GAAAH. The whole lack-of-hooker-fic-around-here epiphany came to me last night when I decided to google Shemar Moore just because I was bored and I was like, "Dear GOD, what did this poor boy used to DO for a living?!"

I PROMISE I WILL TRY TO WORK IN SOME HOTCHNER. SOMEHOW. Though I'm afraid he's going to prove very difficult to write.

[c-dub-yah.livejournal.com]

Hey, no worries! That's just right where my mind goes, I swear. (Also because there is NO FIC for this amazing paring. So you see I share in your disparagement of the Criminal Minds fandom. *nods*)

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

WHUT. Two people exist (fictionally) and the internet has not porned them together!? THIS WILL NOT STAND.

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

HEY BABY HEY BABY I FOUND YOU SOME HOTCH/MORGAN! (http://ansera.livejournal.com/32572.html#cutid3)

Assuming you didn't already know about it. I don't know if you meant literally no fic or just practically no fic, but there you go.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

[modillian.livejournal.com]

No hooker!AUs? What a terrible predicament! Bad fandom, no cookie!

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

Indeed!