The link is NSFW.

[scarylullabiez]

Dear Criminal Minds,

You're a terrible show, and all your fanfiction is rated PG. What little porn there is is so vanilla it makes 7th Heaven look like Spartacus: Blood and Sand. It makes Twilight look like The Story of O. It makes cream of wheat taste spicy. There is nothing to hold me here.

SO DEAR GOD WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOOOUUUUU???

                                   Baffled,
                                        scary-lullabies


Posted via LiveJournal.app

Comments

[ever-obsessed.livejournal.com]

Honest to god, my immediate mental reaction:

okay, yes. sad but true, and the dearth of brilliance makes my heart hurt, but still, bitch, please, let me finish some of this shit I'm writing, see how you flail then, >:D

... and then I smacked myself in the face and felt like an idiot.

... although I'm actually okay feeling like an idiot?

... I do not know the meaning of this comment, O_o

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

I'm absolutely sure that I will ADORE all the things you are working on right now!

Why did you smack yourself and feel like an idiot? Is the stuff you're working on rated PG? Cuz I like to cuddle too, it just seems strange to me that this is the only fandom I've been in where this doesn't hold true:

[ever-obsessed.livejournal.com]

THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.

Although? There is a similar problem in my tiny National Treasure fandom where all of the slash is really bad and DOESN'T EVEN INCLUDE THE CUDDLING and the slash that isn't bad ISN'T REALLY SLASH, OKAY, THEY'RE CLOSE AND TORTURING THEMSELVES LIKE THE TREASURE-HUNTING VERSION OF BROKEBACK BECAUSE THEY'RE "LIKE BROTHERS" AND "BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE" AND THAT'S NOT SLASH. And I'm like, asdfghjkl;; WHERE IS THE FIC?! And then when I find it, I'm all, ASDFGHJKL;; WHY ARE THEY TOO DELICATE TO EVEN TOUCH EACH OTHER?

Ahem, I am weird with what porn I'll read/write - because the wording has to MATCH THE TONE, OKAY, and when people randomly throw it even slight bits of rougher stuff and they do it wrong, I'm losing it in the background going, NO, COMMUNICATION, SAFE WORD, GODDAMMIT, GET WITH THE PROGRAM and I hate the word "pussy," I hate it, IT MAKES ME RAGE AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY BUT IT ALWAYS HAS, so use "cunt," people, it pisses me off less, and I like my shit subtler, okay, not random flinging each other down with no thought to how much fun it is to bend the typical ideas of who tops who and hey, btw, topping=/=dominance because FUCK YOU, FANDOM, IT'S NOT THE SAME and, also, Reid's dominant to Morgan's ass even when he's bottoming early on and even Morgan's flinging him down during the angst fic because it's fucking Reid, people, he's shy but he's got a fucking spine as soon you give him an inch and Morgan is a clingy, fragile, damaged insecure little bitch even if he hides it who LIKES BEING OWNED because it makes him secure once he realizes what the fuck is going on.

*takes a deep breath*

Sometimes it's hard to get any satisfaction for my subtler kinks even though I finally have a ship where THEY'RE RIGHT THERE, DAMMIT.

... lolz, how much did that even translate at all?

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

O_O There's a National Treasure fandom? I feel dumb for not knowing about this. But I can kinda see how it might have those kinds of problems in the porn...

GAH! LET ME TELL YOU MY VERY IMPORTANT OPINIONS ON THIS, BEARING IN MIND THAT I STILL DO NOT HAVE COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF THE CANON. First off, I prefer "cunt" as well. It's a more badass word, somehow. Secondly, LACK OF COMMUNICATION AND SAFE WORDS MAKES ME ILL. SERIOUSLY PPL. SAFE WORDS. Thirdly, I get a very strong D/s vibe off the whole Morgan/Reid ship, but every time I try to go there myself I hit a wall. I think there might be too much trauma in their backgrounds to conduct a healthy relationship of that kind, BUT. Pondering that led me to an awesome idea for a lengthy fic which would bring that about and simultaneously make fun of how there is no sex in this fandom's fanfiction. It would go like this:

1. Morgan and Reid can't have sex! Because of past trauma! But they are in luuuuuv and there is lots of cuddling, but also lots frustration and gnashing of teeth and wailing, "why can't we have seeeeeeeeeex, blargh!" (This is the part that is making fun of this chaste fandom.)

2. So they go to a sex therapist who will probably end up being a total MarySue. Reid brings up the D/s stuff fairly quickly (but casually, like, in passing. I actually already have a whole dialogue planned out with details as to how and why he's been out of the scene for a while, and the merits or lack thereof of kink-as-therapy) and Morgan is all like O_O and the therapist is like, "Umm... possibly you should wait to explore that until you guys are able to at least give each other the reach around w/o freaking out."

3. So things progress! Slowly! Eventually we get to the sex, but one of the steps along the way is mutual masturbation and subsequent discussion of fantasies. During this Reid talks about sexy sexy D/s things again, and Morgan is like :\ But as I said, things progress!

4. Eventually there is successful copulation and afterwards they like, go out for drinks to celebrate and they are both all glowy and happy and proud of themselves, and this is when the D/s actually starts and it also progresses slowly! (Ha ha ha! Take that, chaste fandom! How does it feel to be teased? Not fun, is it!) Basically it goes something like this: some chick or possibly dude comes up and is hitting on Morgan and Reid is all "Excuse me, I believe that is my stapler loveslave. Plz to be stepping off." All with the casual possession and confidence and Morgan is like *goo* (why isn't there an emoticon for goo?) So then he starts to think there's something to all this belonging to someone, and he's basically tugging on Reid's sleeve and being all like, "Hey Reid. Hey Reid. That stuff you mentioned? Can we do that? We should do that."

5. Things progress! SLOWLY. THIS ENTIRE FANDOM AND ITS BLUE BALLS SHALL BE AT MY MERCY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

6. And then I think the end will probably involve some kind of outsider POV scene. Not sure whether this would involve a club or something, because I actually find the kind of play that stays homegrown very hot. It's like a testament to human perseverance or something: "Just because I live in rural Texas or am otherwise unable to access the scene or buy toys doesn't mean I can't be kinky! CLOTHESPINS, HOW I ADORE THEE!" But not decided yet.

Ahem. My only excuse for this reply is that it is late at night and I have been listening to The Razor's Edge by AC/DC. As to how much your thoughts translated, well, if you read this and are just like, "...huh?" then I guess the answer is "not very much?" I dunno. I'm getting the sense that we both have strong feelings about this. XD

[ever-obsessed.livejournal.com]

I THINK IT MEANS SOMETHING THAT I WANT TO SLOW CLAP THIS POST.

Because, damn.

AND LACK OF COMMUNICATION AND SAFE WORDS JUST KILL ME. KILL ME. IN A BAD FUCKING WAY.

And, yes, word, but it's not just the personal traumas, it's how they all mesh together when they're together - and how many layers there are to the layers and the other layers and the extra layers hiding in the back. Because one of the reasons I obsess over them is that, like, even their negative traits MESH just perfectly together. WHICH IS AWESOME.

I think the biggest difference is that when Morgan's in that, AHH, BOY PARTS, AHH, HE SMELLS LIKE A MAN, AHH, I WANT TO TAP THAT BUT SHOULD I?! Reid's little 'take charge and handle this shit' instinct has kicked in and brushed aside the initial shyness he's always going to have and he doesn't even realize he's doing it but he sees Morgan flailing and he's like, OKAY, HERE... JUST... GIVE ME A BLOWJOB, I NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE and Morgan's all, OKAY, because that actually freaks him out less than other things. So they're actually in an okay spot and progressing nicely. Because Reid gets random touches and contact and little things he never got before, and he completely knows how to be nonthreatening when taking charge and calming someone down, and Morgan is a little leery at first because, hey, last time somebody has power over him, it was godawful and he couldn't get away, and this time, it's completely different and it's weird and it's scary but he also feels kind of safe at the same time AND THERE ARE LAYERS, WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE TO NOT SEE EMOTIONALLY DOMINANT!MORGAN AND EMOTIONALLY SUBMISSIVE!REID?! BECAUSE I DO NOT SEE THIS BUT IT'S EATING THE FANDOM, GAH.

But anyway, hey, THEY ARE ENJOYING THE SEX AND EVERYTHING IS GOING REALLY WELL right up until Morgan is kidnapped and shoved very brutally back into the acute phase of his RTS and, bam, EVERYTHING GOES TO SHIT.

and the merits or lack thereof of kink-as-therapy) and Morgan is all like O_O
OH GAWD, I LUFF YOU.

Basically it goes something like this: some chick or possibly dude comes up and is hitting on Morgan and Reid is all "Excuse me, I believe that is my stapler loveslave. Plz to be stepping off." All with the casual possession and confidence and Morgan is like *goo* (why isn't there an emoticon for goo?) So then he starts to think there's something to all this belonging to someone, and he's basically tugging on Reid's sleeve
ahahaha, *pets documents*

Especially how you made sure to mention the casual and confidence and OH GAWD, I LUFF YOU.

Not sure whether this would involve a club or something, because I actually find the kind of play that stays homegrown very hot.
Yes.

I'm getting the sense that we both have strong feelings about this. XD
I NOW HAVE SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS MY STRONG FEELINGS ABOUT THIS. I LUFF YOU.

I want to use a gif but I can't find one good enough to express my glee for you.

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE TO NOT SEE EMOTIONALLY DOMINANT!MORGAN AND EMOTIONALLY SUBMISSIVE!REID?! BECAUSE I DO NOT SEE THIS BUT IT'S EATING THE FANDOM Weeeellll, when I squint I can see it that way as well, but I can do that with almost every pairing in every fandom. I think it might be because I'm a switch myself.

But yes, unintentionally dominant Reid is best Reid. XD

I LUFF YOU TOOO! I SMELL THE POTENTIAL SMELL OF SOME SORT OF COLLABORATION IN OUR FUTURE, Y/N?

[echotiarra.livejournal.com]

Are you THAT bored at work?

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

How did you know I was at work when I posted this? Or are you saying that the reason I can't quit Criminal Minds is because I'm bored at work?

ETA: Oh, ha ha! The location thing. I can't brain today, I have the dumb.

[cantfindreverse.livejournal.com]

Are you me?

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

YOUR ICON IS THE MOST AMAZING THING I HAVE EVER SEEEEEEEN.

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

K sorry, I was overwhelmed there. I don't know, maybe we're secret twins? Maybe you have some sea star DNA and were accidentally cut in half when you were a child and then each half grew the other half back, forming two identical people. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. *runs around in circles*

[c-dub-yah.livejournal.com]

I like fucked up shit (harry potter fandom, what have you done to me?), but I thought this was pretty good (if not particularly explicit): http://community.livejournal.com/farawaylight/486.html

Also, the kinkfest has some stuff: http://community.livejournal.com/rounds_of_kink/tag/fandom:+criminal+minds

[scary-lullabies.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, xtinethepirate keeps trying to tell me that it's all about the Hotch/Reid. I shall have to check that out.

Oooo, I hadn't seen Criminal Minds on the kinkfest! I know there was a kink meme for this fandom, but I think it was very short-lived.

I was going to say that it was X-Files fandom that messed me up (when I was like, 12, for gods sake), but then I remembered that I used to play Evil Overlord with my Burger King kids meal toys. You know that ones that were dinosaurs that folded up into hamburgers and french fries? I used to imagine they were begging me not to fold them up as I folded them up. I also wanted to marry Robocop and/or Beetlejuice. I was a very special child.